There are moments. Defining moments. When you stop and tell yourself, finally, after much thought… I need to step back.
I need to step back from saying yes all the time.
I need to step back from always being there to jump in whenever anyone needs a hand.
I need to step back from the extras… the many, many extras that come at me and I can’t say no to. I don’t seek them out… they are just always there.
I am the one. The one who helps create things. The one who helps with problems. The one who is a sounding board. A critical friend. The person who always ‘just has a minute’. The one who takes the extra task. The extra load. The extra job. The cheerleader.
Here’s the thing… right now, I don’t know why.
Is it because I want the accolades? I don’t think so… those don’t come and I don’t really care for fanfare.
Is it because I need to be needed? Maybe sometimes I like to think that my intelligence and experience are worthwhile and valued. Or perhaps that I need to know that things are taken care of.
Is it because there is work to be done and I know how to do it, so why not? Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. I see work. I do it. And hope that it helps someone.
But you see… right now… this week… I don’t see the value. Sitting here. Late at night. Sad. Upset. Even angry. None of it is worth it. While others sleep. Rest. Relax even. While others don’t worry about Monday or the next Monday. While some don’t think about any of this right now… I sit here, trying to figure it all out. And I will. Maybe not right now. Maybe not tonight.
But I will say no… not because I want to, but right now, because I have to.